Self-care: What Does it Look Like for Kids, Teens, and Adults?

by Taylor Herzer, CSW

Self-care is an essential part of everyday life. Children, teens, and adults can all benefit from participating in some form of self-care. Self-care can help you be the best you can be for the people around you. Without caring for your own needs, it can be really hard to show up and be present for the people around you.

What does self-care look like?

Self-care can be anything from meeting physical needs (eating balanced meals, exercising, & sleep) & mental needs (journaling, meditation, etc), to doing things you enjoy and boost your mood (a loved hobby, getting a massage, listening to music, etc)

Self-care for Kids

It is important for children to have their own self-care routine, which is not something that they can easily pinpoint on their own and without some guidance. Every child is different, and it's important to remember that one child’s self-care might not coincide with another child’s self-care. Encouraging children to do small tasks for themselves from a younger age can help to build confidence and independence for the future.

Some self-care activities for children are:

● Picking out their own outfit in the morning: giving them a sense of independence and control over how they dress can be an important aspect of self-care for the child. It also allows for self expression and individuality.

● Writing or drawing out their days/big emotions: Depending on age, developmental stage, and preferences, writing or drawing out big things that happened throughout the day, or big emotions they experienced can be beneficial not only for letting out some of their stresses, but learning to express themselves in the way they need.

● Taking a break: Sometimes children need a break after spending all day at school, and before they jump into homework and other household responsibilities. During these breaks the child should be encouraged to do something they enjoy (another self-care aspect) like playing outside, coloring/drawing, reading, spending time in their room, etc. This can help relieve some of the stress of their busy days.

It may take some time to figure out what self-care activities feel the best for each child. Sometimes helping children explore different activities/hobbies can help them pinpoint for themselves what they enjoy and what makes them feel reset.

Self-care for Teens

Teens are sometimes better able to identify what they like and don’t like when it comes to self-care. However, it is still important for parents to encourage teens to participate in their identified self-care activities. Being a teen is stressful. From figuring out who and what they want to be, to balancing home and social life. It is important for them to have a good self-care routine to set them up for success for the years to come.

Some self-care activities for teens can include:

● Going for a walk, or doing another activity outside: Outside time is beneficial at all ages. Going for a walk either solo or with friends/family can allow teens the time they need to reset in a positive way. Fresh air never hurts anyone.

● Creative expression: This can be anything from creating music, art, dancing, writing, etc. No matter the outlet, encouraging teens to use creative expression as a way to express themselves and their emotions can be an important part of their self-care routine.

Self-Care for Adults

Finally but certainly not least; the parents/adults who are most likely reading this blog. Your mental, physical needs are just as crucial as that of the children and loved ones in your life. Adulthood has a lot of built up stress, and without an outlet it can boil over and affect those closest to you. This is why making sure you are taking care of your needs/wants is so important.

Some self-care activities for adults:

● Set time aside for just you: This can be in the morning, evening, or whatever time you can find for yourself, but make sure to set time aside for yourself and your own needs. Some people enjoy reading before bed, starting their day off with a walk, doing some sort of exercise, or even just spending a little extra time on a skin care routine/taking a longer shower or bath. Whatever it is, make sure you are setting that time aside for yourself.

● Make sleep a priority: It can be hard to prioritize the sleep you get because so many other more important things come up. However, sleep is crucial to mental and physical health and should therefore, become a priority. Other things can wait.

Again, self-care can look different for everyone. Explore different things and figure out what works best for you and your lifestyle; and continue to make sure that you are making time for yourself.

Understanding Adolescent-Centered Therapy

The adolescent years are a time of great change and development. Teenagers often struggle with a wide range of emotional, psychological, and social challenges. To address these unique needs, adolescent-centered therapy has emerged as an effective approach that caters specifically to the mental health and well-being of young individuals. We are going to explore the concept of adolescent-centered therapy, its core principles, and how it can help teenagers navigate the difficulties of adolescence. We are also going to be answering the questions: What is adolescent-centered therapy and how can it help?

Adolescent-centered therapy, also known as teen-focused therapy or youth-centered therapy, is a specialized therapeutic approach designed to meet the specific needs of teenagers. Unlike traditional therapy models that may be more suitable for adults, this approach recognizes and respects the unique experiences, developmental stages, and cultural backgrounds of adolescents.

Core Principles:

Empowerment and Collaboration: Adolescent-centered therapy places great emphasis on empowering teenagers to take an active role in their own therapy process. Therapists work together with young individuals, valuing their opinions, perspectives, and goals. This partnership creates a sense of free will, self-determination, and active engagement in the therapy process. Teenagers feel empowered to take ownership of their mental health and well-being.

Confidentiality and Trust: Adolescents often face concerns regarding privacy and trust, which can hinder their willingness to seek help. Adolescents often hesitate to share their thoughts and emotions due to concerns about judgment or confidentiality. This trusting environment encourages honest communication and allows teens to explore sensitive topics without fear of shame or repercussions. Adolescent-centered therapy provides a safe and confidential space for teenagers to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or breach of confidentiality. This confidentiality, within legal and ethical boundaries, helps build trust and enables teens to share openly with their therapists.

Developmentally Appropriate Interventions: Adolescent-centered therapy utilizes interventions that are tailored to the developmental stage and needs of teenagers. Therapists use a variety of approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, art therapy, or play therapy, depending on the specific needs of the individual. These interventions are designed to be engaging, relevant, and effective for the unique challenges adolescents face.

How Adolescent-Centered Therapy Can Help:

Emotional Well-being: Adolescence is a time of emotional trouble and intense feelings. Adolescent-centered therapy provides a supportive environment where teenagers can explore and express their emotions safely. Therapists help them develop healthy coping strategies, and emotional regulation skills, and enhance their resilience to manage stress, anxiety, depression, or other emotional difficulties.

Self-Identity and Self-Esteem: Teenagers are in the process of developing their self-identity and self-esteem. Adolescent-centered therapy offers a space for self-exploration, assisting teens in gaining a deeper understanding of themselves, their values, and their aspirations. Through therapy, they can develop a stronger sense of self and build a positive self-image.

Peer and Social Relationships: Adolescence is characterized by a significant focus on peer relationships. Adolescent-centered therapy addresses challenges related to friendships, romantic relationships, and social dynamics. Therapists help teenagers develop healthy communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, and assertiveness, enabling them to create meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Emotional Regulation and Coping Skills: Adolescence is a period characterized by intense emotions and emotional instability. Adolescent-centered therapy equips teenagers with practical strategies to regulate their emotions and cope with stressors effectively. Therapists teach skills such as emotional awareness, mindfulness, relaxation techniques, and mental restructuring. These tools help teenagers manage their emotions, reduce anxiety and depression, and enhance overall emotional well-being.

Improved Self-Understanding and Identity Development: Adolescence is a time of self-discovery and identity formation. Adolescent-centered therapy provides a supportive environment for teenagers to explore their thoughts, feelings, and values. Through therapeutic interventions, teens gain a deeper understanding of themselves, their strengths, weaknesses, and aspirations. This self-awareness promotes a positive self-image, self-acceptance, and the development of a strong sense of identity.

Enhanced Communication and Interpersonal Skills: Strong communication and interpersonal skills are crucial for healthy relationships and social interactions. Adolescent-centered therapy helps teenagers develop effective communication strategies, active listening skills, empathy, and conflict-resolution techniques. These skills enhance their ability to express themselves, understand others, and build meaningful connections with peers, family, and friends.

Building Resilience and Coping Mechanisms: Adolescence is a period of significant challenges and transitions. Adolescent-centered therapy focuses on building resilience in teenagers, helping them develop the ability to bounce back from setbacks and cope with adversity. Therapists teach resilience-building skills, and problem-solving techniques, and help teenagers develop a positive mindset. These tools enable them to navigate challenges more effectively, develop a sense of inner strength, and adapt to change.

Support for Decision-Making and Future Planning: Adolescence is a time when important decisions about education, career paths, and future aspirations are made. Adolescent-centered therapy provides guidance and support in exploring interests, clarifying goals, and making informed decisions. Therapists help teenagers develop decision-making skills, set realistic goals, and create action plans. This support ensures that teenagers make choices aligned with their values and aspirations.

Adolescent-centered therapy recognizes the unique needs and challenges faced by teenagers and provides a specialized approach to promote their mental health and well-being. By fostering empowerment, collaboration, and confidentiality, this therapy model supports adolescents on their journey to self-discovery, emotional well-being, and positive social interactions. By engaging in this therapeutic process, teenagers can develop essential skills and tools that will serve them throughout their lives. 

Anxiety Therapy: Practical Strategies for Reducing Stress and Worry

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. With its prevalence in all age groups, it’s important to understand what anxiety is and how it affects you, and explore practical tools and strategies that can help to reduce anxiety symptoms and empower you as you seek relief to take control of your mental well-being.

Anxiety is characterized by excessive and persistent worry, fear, and unease. It involves a combination of mental, emotional, and physical symptoms, such as racing thoughts, restlessness, irritability, muscle tension, and difficulty concentrating. It is more than just feeling stressed or anxious in certain situations; anxiety often shows as a chronic condition that can significantly impact a person's daily life and overall well-being. 

Various factors can trigger anxiety, including stressful life events, traumatic experiences, genetic predisposition, and underlying medical conditions. It affects individuals across all age groups and can vary in intensity and duration. Understanding your anxiety is crucial for developing practical solutions and support systems to help you manage and reduce symptoms, ultimately gaining better mental wellness and a higher quality of life.

Managing anxiety is not a one-size-fits-all effort. It requires a thorough approach including various lifestyle changes and coping mechanisms tailored to each individual's needs. By merging these strategies into daily routines, individuals can develop a more resilient mindset and find effective ways to navigate anxiety-provoking situations, ultimately enhancing their ability to cope and thrive.

Strategies to Manage Anxiety:

Among the essential strategies for anxiety management is regular exercise. Physical activity has been scientifically proven to reduce anxiety by increasing the production of endorphins, which are natural mood-lifters. It is a powerful outlet for releasing tension and promoting relaxation. Engaging in activities such as jogging, swimming, or practicing yoga promotes physical health. The beauty of exercise lies in its versatility; it can be made to suit individual preferences and abilities, making it an accessible and sustainable strategy for anxiety management.

Mindfulness is another essential tool in the anxiety management toolkit. At its core, mindfulness involves being fully present at the moment and observing thoughts and emotions without judgment. Individuals can develop an enhanced awareness of their anxious thoughts and feelings by developing mindfulness, allowing them to respond more balanced and constructively. Mindfulness meditation, a formal practice within mindfulness, has gathered substantial evidence-based support for its effectiveness in reducing anxiety symptoms. Regular implementation promotes relaxation, develops resilience, and minimizes the impact of stressors. Some podcasts help you practice mindfulness, such as 10% Happiness, Mindfulness Mode, The Rubin Mindfulness Meditation, On Being, and Untangle. You can incorporate mindfulness into various aspects of daily life through body scans, guided meditation, or simply paying attention to everyday activities with full awareness. 

Breathing exercises, specifically deep breathing techniques, offer another effective means of managing anxiety. Deep breathing exercises activate the body's relaxation response, counteracting the physiological changes associated with stress and anxiety. By consciously taking slow, deep breaths and directing attention to the sensations of each breath, individuals can lower heart rate, reduce blood pressure, and induce a state of calmness. Incorporating deep breathing exercises into daily routines, particularly during heightened anxiety, provides immediate relief and empowers individuals to regain control over their emotions. Furthermore, the portability and accessibility of deep breathing exercises make them a convenient tool for managing anxiety in various settings and situations.

Overall a couple of simple tips to help with anxiety are:

• Exercise more

• Practice mindfulness

• Breathing exercises

These tips are easy to incorporate into your everyday life. They can help you diminish the effects of anxiety in your life. 

How can therapy help?

In addition to these simple tips that can be easily incorporated into your everyday life, therapy for anxiety offers a comprehensive and invaluable resource for individuals seeking to address their anxiety effectively. Therapy for anxiety is a complete and valuable resource that provides individuals with a wide array of strategies and techniques to manage their anxiety effectively. With therapy, individuals can identify their unique triggers and develop essential coping skills that can be applied across various situations. The therapeutic process provides a safe and supportive environment that encourages self-exploration, allowing individuals to gain profound insights into their thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns. By delving into the underlying causes of anxiety, therapy empowers individuals to understand themselves better, fostering personal growth and resilience that can significantly impact their long-term ability to manage anxiety.

One of the key benefits of therapy is the opportunity it provides for individuals to develop a strong toolbox of coping mechanisms. Therapists employ evidence-based approaches which focus on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns, and exposure therapy, which gradually exposes individuals to anxiety-inducing situations to desensitize their fear response. Through these techniques and others, therapy equips individuals with practical strategies that can be utilized in real-life scenarios, empowering them to face their anxiety head-on with newfound confidence.

Another significant aspect of therapy for anxiety is the focus on self-discovery and self-awareness. Therapy encourages individuals to reflect on their experiences, beliefs, and values, allowing them to gain insight into the underlying factors contributing to their anxiety. By uncovering and addressing deep-seated issues, individuals can develop a more complete understanding of themselves, their triggers, and their unique journey with anxiety. This self-awareness serves as a foundation for personal growth. It allows individuals to make informed choices and take proactive steps toward managing their anxiety in the long run.

Furthermore, therapy helps individuals build resilience, which is vital for navigating the ups and downs of anxiety. Therapists assist individuals in developing effective coping mechanisms, cultivating self-compassion, and building healthy coping strategies to withstand the challenges of anxiety. By fostering resilience, therapy empowers individuals to bounce back from setbacks, adapt to stressors, and maintain their overall well-being even in anxiety-provoking situations.

Anxiety is a common condition that affects many individuals across age groups. However, practical and evidence-based strategies exist to relieve anxiety symptoms and improve overall well-being. By incorporating changes such as exercise, mindfulness, and breathing exercises into daily life and seeking support through therapy, individuals can effectively manage their anxiety and cultivate a more fulfilling life. It is crucial to remember that seeking help and support is a sign of strength, not weakness, and abundant resources are available for those struggling with anxiety. By embracing these tools and reaching out for help, individuals can take significant steps towards managing their anxiety and living a life characterized by greater peace, resilience, and fulfillment.

Understanding the Different Types of Anxiety

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. It can appear in many different ways, each with its own characteristics and challenges. At Tree of Life, we are dedicated to helping people on their journey towards well-being. We also believe it is important to learn about the different types of anxiety. In this blog post, we will explore the most common types of anxiety, their symptoms, and potential treatment options. By teaching people, we hope to help those feeling anxiety and guide them towards the support they need.

Anxiety can be explained by feelings of worry, fear, and apprehension. It is a natural response to stress or perceived threats and can vary in intensity from mild to severe. Individuals with anxiety often experience excessive and persistent concerns about everyday situations, making it challenging to manage daily life.

Physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, trembling, sweating, restlessness, and difficulty concentrating are commonly associated with anxiety. The condition can also manifest through emotional symptoms like irritability, excessive worrying, and a sense of impending doom.

Anxiety disorders encompass various specific conditions, including generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder (SAD), specific phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These conditions may interfere with a person's ability to function effectively in their personal, social, and professional lives.

Generalized Anxiety:

Generalized Anxiety is a mental health condition where you have excessive and persistent worry or anxiety about various parts of life.  This worry often is without any specific cause or reason. People with generalized anxiety tend to feel exaggerated concerns about everyday situations, such as work, health, relationships, finances, and general well-being.

People with generalized anxiety find it challenging to control their worries, which can significantly impact their daily functioning and quality of life. They may anticipate negative outcomes, constantly expect the worst, and have difficulty relaxing or letting go of their anxious thoughts. This chronic state of worry can be accompanied by physical symptoms like restlessness, muscle tension, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and sleep disturbances.

Generalized anxiety is typically diagnosed when excessive worry persists for at least six months and significantly interferes with a person's ability to function in their personal and professional life. It is important to note that generalized anxiety is different from occasional feelings of stress and worry that most people experience. The excessive and persistent nature of the worry is what sets generalized anxiety apart.

Treatment for generalized anxiety often involves a combination of therapy, medication, and self-help strategies. Therapy is commonly used to help individuals identify and challenge their anxious thoughts, develop coping skills, and manage their worries effectively. Medications may be prescribed in some cases to help with symptoms.

If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of generalized anxiety, it is advisable to consult with a mental health professional who can provide an accurate diagnosis and recommend appropriate treatment options.

Learn if you need treatment for generalized anxiety: http://www.treeoflifeutah.com/blog/2020/10/9/therapy-is-it-for-me 

Panic Disorder:

A panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder characterized by recurrent and unexpected panic attacks. Panic attacks are intense episodes of overwhelming fear or discomfort that arise suddenly and reach a peak within minutes. These attacks can occur without any apparent trigger or in response to specific situations, such as being in a crowded place or experiencing high levels of stress.

During a panic attack, individuals may experience various distressing physical and psychological symptoms. Physical symptoms often include a rapid heart rate, chest pain, shortness of breath, trembling or shaking, dizziness, sweating, hot flashes or chills, and a sensation of choking or suffocation. Psychological symptoms can involve a fear of losing control or going crazy, feeling detached from oneself or reality, and an intense urge to escape the situation.

The fear of experiencing future panic attacks can lead to significant anxiety and anticipatory worry, which can further exacerbate the condition. As a result, individuals with panic disorder may start avoiding certain places or situations where they fear a panic attack might occur, which can significantly impact their daily life and activities.

Treatment for panic disorder typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.  Therapy can be a helpful approach that helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors associated with panic attacks. Techniques like breathing exercises, relaxation training, and exposure therapy may be used to manage and reduce the frequency of panic attacks. Medications may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms and prevent panic attacks.

If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of panic disorder, it is advisable to consult with a mental health professional who can provide a proper diagnosis and guide you towards appropriate treatment options.

Social Anxiety:

Social Anxiety Disorder, also known as social phobia, is a mental health condition characterized by an intense fear of social situations and a persistent concern about being judged, embarrassed, or humiliated by others. People with social anxiety often experience overwhelming anxiety in various social settings, such as parties, meetings, public speaking, or even everyday interactions.

Individuals with social anxiety disorder may anticipate negative outcomes or criticism in social situations, leading them to avoid or endure them with significant distress. The fear of being scrutinized or negatively evaluated by others can cause a range of physical and psychological symptoms. These can include blushing, trembling, sweating, rapid heart rate, nausea, difficulty speaking, and cognitive symptoms like excessive self-consciousness, negative self-judgment, and intense anxiety leading up to or during social interactions.

The impact of social anxiety disorder can extend beyond social situations and affect an individual's personal relationships, academic or professional performance, and overall well-being. It can lead to social isolation, reduced opportunities for personal growth, and a diminished quality of life.

Treatment for social anxiety disorder typically involves therapy and, in some cases, medication.  Therapy can address the negative thought patterns, beliefs, and behavioral patterns associated with social anxiety. Exposure therapy also helps people gradually confront and become desensitized to feared social situations. Medications may be prescribed to manage symptoms and support therapy.

If you or someone you know is struggling with social anxiety disorder, it is advisable to seek help from a mental health professional. They can provide an accurate diagnosis and develop an individualized treatment plan to manage social anxiety and improve overall well-being.

Specific Phobias:

Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder characterized by an intense and irrational fear of specific objects, situations, or activities. These fears go beyond normal apprehension and can lead to significant distress and avoidance behaviors.

Specific phobias can involve a wide range of triggers, including animals (e.g., spiders, snakes), natural environments (e.g., heights, water), medical procedures (e.g., injections, blood), specific situations (e.g., flying, public speaking), and various other objects or scenarios. The fear is typically excessive and disproportionate to the actual threat posed by the phobic stimulus.

When exposed to the feared object or situation, individuals with specific phobias may experience intense anxiety or panic attacks. They often go to great lengths to avoid encountering phobic stimuli, which can interfere with their daily life, limit their activities, and impact their overall well-being.

The causes of specific phobias can vary, but they often develop through a combination of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. Traumatic experiences, learned behaviors, and cultural influences can contribute to the development and maintenance of phobias.

Treatment for specific phobias typically involves therapy, such as exposure therapy.  Individuals gradually confront their fears and develop new ways of thinking and responding to the phobic stimulus.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a specific phobia, it is recommended to seek professional help from a mental health provider. They can assess the severity of the phobia, offer a proper diagnosis, and guide you towards effective treatment options to manage and overcome specific phobias.

While anxiety can be overwhelming, it is crucial to remember that effective treatments and support are available. If you or someone you know is struggling with any form of anxiety, reaching out to a qualified therapist or mental health professional can provide the guidance and assistance needed for recovery. By understanding the various types of anxiety and seeking appropriate treatment, individuals can embark on a path toward improved mental well-being, ultimately reclaiming their lives with confidence and resilience. Remember, you are not alone, and help is just a step away.

How does Individual therapy benefit you?

What is individual therapy like?

Individual therapy is a powerful tool that can benefit individuals from all walks of life. Whether you're struggling with mental health issues, relationship problems, or just feeling stuck, seeking therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to work through your challenges. Working with a licensed therapist allows you to explore your thoughts and feelings, gain insight into your behaviors, and develop practical strategies to improve your overall well-being.

Individual therapy is often a joint process between therapist and client, where the therapist creates a safe and non-judgmental environment for the client to explore their thoughts and feelings. The therapist will use various techniques and approaches to help the client gain new insights and perspectives into their challenges. Through this process, the client can develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their behaviors and ultimately achieve the tools they need to make positive life changes.

Who can benefit from individual therapy?

Therapy provides an opportunity to gain insight into behavior, improve communication skills, and navigate conflicts more effectively. Individual therapy can benefit a wide range of individuals facing various challenges and seeking personal growth. Those who can benefit from individual therapy include people dealing with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or stress. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and understand these conditions and develop coping strategies to manage symptoms—individuals experiencing relationship difficulties, whether personally or professionally, can benefit from individual therapy.

Individuals facing major life transitions, such as career changes, loss, or divorce, can find support and guidance in therapy to navigate these challenging periods. Ultimately, individual therapy benefits anyone seeking personal growth, self-exploration, and a deeper understanding of themselves. It offers a collaborative and compassionate environment to address personal concerns, increase self-awareness, and foster overall well-being.

Engaging in individual therapy benefits the individual seeking treatment and has a positive ripple effect on the people around them. When you prioritize your mental health and work towards personal growth and healing, it positively impacts your relationships, family dynamics, and overall social interactions. By attending therapy, you gain insight into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, which enables you to develop healthier coping mechanisms and communication skills. As you learn to navigate your challenges more effectively, you can apply these newfound skills to your relationships, fostering more beneficial and fulfilling connections. Through therapy, you gain the tools to express your needs, set boundaries, and improve your understanding of others, leading to improved communication and more profound empathy. Ultimately, individual therapy empowers you to become more resilient, compassionate, and emotionally aware, positively impacting those around you and creating a more supportive social environment.

At our practice, we strongly recommend our therapy services for various reasons:

1. Our highly trained and experienced therapists provide a safe and supportive environment where clients can feel comfortable discussing their challenges and concerns.

2. We tailor each of our to meet the unique needs of each individual, ensuring that they receive the most effective treatment possible. We also focus on confidentiality and privacy, as trust is essential in the therapy relationship.

3. Our approach is evidence-based and grounded in the latest research, ensuring our clients receive the most up-to-date and effective treatments.

Individual therapy is a powerful tool that can help individuals to confront and overcome their challenges. Through a supportive and confidential therapeutic relationship, clients can better understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and learn new coping strategies to manage stress and improve their overall well-being. Our practice is committed to providing high-quality individual therapy services made to meet each client's unique needs. Everyone deserves the opportunity to live their best life, and we are here to help you achieve your goals. Contact us today to learn more about our therapy services and how we can support you on your journey toward healing and growth.

Learn more: www.treeoflifeutah.com/individual

Successful Online Schooling Tips

Over the past seven months or so, we have all been adjusting to what has become a popular term called “the new normal.” In reality, nothing has been “normal.” It has been a time of facing uncomfortable feelings like worry, frustration, boredom, and sadness, among others. Parents have had to deal with all of these feelings for themselves in addition to juggling working from home and helping their children process it all. It’s no wonder that we’re all on edge! Now there is a whole “new normal” to consider for some parents and kids: online schooling.

For some kids, the transition to online school has been somewhat seamless, as they like having control of their own schedule. However, what happens frequently is that it is a challenging adjustment for students and parents to keep things on track. If you find yourself in the latter category, you may have wondered, “How are we going to keep doing this?”

Tips:

-Schedule is key. Your child may benefit from knowing what their day will be like ahead. They could have a visual calendar that they know is in a central location every day, like on the fridge or hanging on the wall above their desk. As a parent, you can keep this as simple or as detailed you would like. For example, something like 9:00- Reading, 9:30-Break, etc. may be enough to help them feel organized. 

-Chunk work into smaller pieces. It can feel daunting and overwhelming for anyone to be confronted with a giant pile of work. Help your son or daughter feel less overwhelmed by breaking up tasks into smaller assignments and mixing up the types of work so that it stays fresh. This could look something like completing a science sheet (instead of 5 all at once) and rotating the rest with reading or spelling activities, as an example.

-Create lots of breaks and vary with stimulating activities. It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to sit in front of a computer for 5 hours, as you may have learned if you experienced working at home during this pandemic. Some teachers and schools require some lecture times where they must be online with their classmates. Other times the schedule is looser. Take advantage of those free times by creating breaks. There is also a bonus if you can vary the breaks so they stay novel. For example, one break is playing with Legos, the next is free electronic time, and another is a fun easy science experiment. This can also be a good time for you to connect with your son or daughter and get a break yourself.

-Build in rewards for completing small tasks; find larger rewards to help them feel more motivated. Kids may thrive more in the online environment knowing that what they are doing has a purpose. Find what motivates your child, which can be rather widespread. It may take some trial and error on your part. Some examples could be: favorite snacks they don’t get to eat often, making slime or another craft together, or a bigger and more intricate reward like redecorating their room. As you learn what type of reward speaks to your child you are learning how to help them feel appreciated. Make sure to switch the rewards frequently so that they stay fresh. 

-Busy box. When your son or daughter has to be present in front of that screen for longer periods of time, try setting them up for success by having items readily available that they can “be busy” with while they are there. It can be helpful to make this box a special item that they only get access to during these times, as it will help it to feel more motivating. Some examples of things for your busy box could be: Play-Dough or putty, fidget toys, gum or other small snacks that are acceptable at the learning area, coloring or drawing materials, and chair bands or a yoga ball to let those fidgets out. 

-Keep your cool amid the frustrations. Children have an innate ability to match the level of intensity that you show when feeling strong feelings, like frustration and anger. It’s totally natural that you both will feel frustrated about this change. However, keep in mind that your child needs you to set the tone. Show them that you can handle the feelings and they can too. Remember, they need you to show acceptance and care more than they need to finish the assignment. 

Ideally, the online schooling transition will become easier with time. You both need some time to figure things out and you’re learning together. As you utilize some of the tips from this article, such as finding ways to keep motivations higher, build in breaks, and battle those fidgeting urges, you can have a successful experience.

Therapy! Is it for me?

Who needs therapy? 

As humans, we are all subject to the human condition. The human condition is filled with loss, weakness, trauma, illness, and other challenges, as well as the many joys in life. Take a moment to liken the human condition to the weather. Some moments are filled with sunshine, sometimes light rain showers, and others category 4 hurricanes. The conditions in our lives can also be represented with similar patterns over time. So, who needs therapy? The simple answer is it can help anyone and everyone! It is never a bad idea to have support as we process, cope with, and move through life’s challenges.

Why would someone seek therapy?

People seek therapy when they are faced with these human conditions that seem overwhelming, uncertain, exhausting, frustrating, or just plain dark and dreary. Therapy is for those wanting a change in perspective, additional resources, and skills and strategies to meet the conditions they are facing in their lives.

What happens in therapy?

Therapy is an opportunity to meet with a Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychologist, or Social Worker, who has spent many hours studying the human condition and its impact on individuals’ lives. Therapists apply their skills and learning to help individuals meet their challenges. Help can be an insight into the problem, problem-solving, building resources and support within oneself and around them, adjusting the story we tell ourselves, use of mindfulness and calming strategies, and skills to change one’s perception or behavior that has become ineffective. Each individual and their situation is unique, requiring help in unique ways. There is no “one size fits all” in therapy. With that said, therapists are also unique and have different skills, talents, understanding, and personalities. Because of this, each individual must find a therapist that resonates with them. Take a minute to read about the therapist or contact the therapist for a consultation, to see if they meet your needs. Sometimes, it just takes getting to know them and building a relationship with them inside of the therapeutic office to find the therapist who understands you and your needs.

Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to help you step outside of your current weather conditions and get clarity, understanding, skills and strategies, and new perspectives to meet any challenge or demand that you may be facing.

How do we Prevent Depression in Our Teenagers?

Medicinenet.com tells us that 20% of all teens will struggle with depression before they are adults, and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for people ages 10-24 in the united states. As a parent of a 4-year-old I take preventative actions to give my child the best chance in life. For example, I take her to well-checks with her pediatrician, dentist appointments, lock up harmful chemicals etc. But what about depression, the 3rd highest killer of our teens? How do we prevent depression in our teens, and what do we do if they are already developing depression symptoms?

How do we protect our children from depression?

The best place to start is at home. There are many things we can do at home to positively affect our children’s lives, to help prevent or resolve depression symptoms early. You can start by doing the following:

1 - Use simple techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

• Problem solving- Help them come up with solutions to problems they face. Many teens suffering with or developing depression find it hard to overcome or solve simple problems. For example, a teen might fall behind on homework and lose hope of being able to catch up. You can step in and help them come up with solutions to the problem. such as reducing other obligations or scheduling time a set amount of time to work on homework.

• Challenging pessimistic thinking- Highlight and help them understand/question negative thought patterns. For example, a teen might start thinking in terms of all or nothing. “I am a weirdo because I said something weird.” Help them see that one instance cannot define them. They are a normal/good person who made one mistake.

2 - Implement simple health changes

• Increase physical activity/exercise

• Get a developmentally appropriate amount of sleep (for teens that is a little over 9 hrs.)

• Reduce stressors and increase coping skills. For example, you can reduce their load to reduce stress. Some stress reducing techniques include, taking deep breaths, meditate, be present, reach out, etc. A good one to start with is deep breaths. Breath in for four seconds and hold it, then breath out for four seconds, repeat.

The Conclusion…

Simply put, be present and aware of your children and their struggles. Increase their ability to cope with life through teaching them healthy habits and how to maintain a positive way of thinking. And when all else fails, let your children know that you will be there for them when things get hard. If depression becomes an issue for you or your children, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help, you are not alone.

Should I Talk to My Child About Emotions?

As a parent, you probably have experienced a myriad of emotions when engaging with your child. You probably have also been on the opposite side, witnessing your child experience a wide range of emotions, as well. If your child is older, you may remember the two-year-old stage when your kid would just flop themselves on the floor and scream for a few minutes. However, what happens after a child is better able to understand what they are feeling beyond a two-year-old level? Parents can feel stuck at times because they know which emotion is being expressed from their kid, and the child may not understand it or the impact that it has on those around them.

Additionally, parents may not feel comfortable or able to discuss feelings openly with their child. This may be for a variety of reasons from not having experience in talking about them when they themselves were a child, to simply not knowing how to approach a ten-year-old that acts out physically when experiencing anger. It may even be that the parent doesn’t know what they personally are feeling in a variety of situations. A parent that can push past the uncomfortableness in discussing emotions is doing a great service for their child in a variety of ways, but here are a few reasons that I like the best.

-Your child can gain a better sense of emotional intelligence. Quite simply defined, emotional intelligence is the ability to have awareness, control, and express emotions. This type of intelligence is crucial for children to master to build relationships at home, with their peers, and even into adulthood for their future careers. A person that has high emotional intelligence will feel more able to handle conflicts in their relationships and have greater empathy for what others are experiencing. By talking about feelings with your kid, you are building their awareness of the emotions and how they are currently being expressed.

-Your kid can feel more comfortable in approaching you when they are feeling a strong emotion. Sometimes, a son or daughter may not think that mom or dad wants to hear that they are feeling sad, angry, or hurt. There may even be an unspoken message sent that strong emotions are better kept to yourself being passed along. When you respond positively to your child telling you something that is being experienced that is hard for them, they feel more able to repeat the action in the future. This skill will be beneficial as your child grows and encounters new feelings and experiences that you would like them to share with you.

-You and your child can have a stronger bond. By letting your daughter know that you too have experienced sadness, you are letting her know that you can relate and understand where she is coming from. Your son will appreciate that his father knows what it is like to feel anxious when taking a test or raising their hand in class. This isn’t to say that your experience of feeling angry is the same as your child because we do feel them individually. Your role is more to help them see that even though you may not express your feelings overtly, you still have had that feeling at some point. You can have a connection in your shared feeling.

A final consideration to make here is to ensure that you are talking about feelings on an appropriate level. It can be overwhelming for a child to have a parent unload some heavy experiences on them if they are not mature enough to understand it. It’s probably best to keep conflicting emotions around experiences like divorce or other past difficulties to yourself. Keeping things simple like, “I felt mad today and my face felt hot,” may be just enough for a young child. The practice of talking to your kids about emotions does not have to be extremely in depth. Simply keeping the skill in your mind can prove helpful to use when it is needed.

Your son or daughter may thank you someday in helping them grow in their emotional development. I think that parents can help their children better manage emotions by helping them understand their function and personal expression of them. The more practice a child has in this practice, the more able they will be to handle stronger ones as they happen.

The High Cost of Perfectionism

• I’m not good enough.

• Being better than my neighbors means I am succeeding.

• I am a disappointment.

• I have no time for weakness.

• If I don’t meet this deadline everyone will think I’m stupid.

• I have to change the world for the better.

• I’m never good enough.

• I don’t look how I’m supposed to look.

• I must get straight A’s to become a successful adult.

Does something in your stomach feel a little uneasy about reading these statements? I bet you are feeling a twang of panic? It’s because you can feel the conflict. We tell ourselves these types of things all the time – sometimes subconsciously. Right now you may be questioning whether it’s possible to live up to these expectations while trying to pump yourself with positive thoughts on how awesome you are. The conflict is not in our capacity or ability or fortitude to achieve great things - the conflict is in how we define great success.

Often, we put the ability to accomplish great tasks in one of two categories; flawed or perfect and we cut out everything in between. This gives us the assumption that if we aren’t perfect then we must be worthless, because flawed people don’t accomplish great things, right? With this line of thinking we have just devalued ourselves because of our imperfections. Society (Hollywood, news media, etc..) definitely contributes to this perfectionistic ideal. Even those with good intentions such as teachers, parents, neighbors, and religion can make us feel that we have no chance for success if we aren’t perfect.

Brene Brown wrote this in her book Gifts of Imperfection:

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame… Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”

Success is then defined as healthy striving and NOT perfection. Healthy striving occurs when we set small deliberate goals. It is not comparison. It is intentional growth. Perfection contributes to depression, shame, isolation, inadequacy, and anxiety. Healthy striving encourages connection, gratitude, and joy. It also requires some vulnerability and unpretentiousness. It requires mistakes and a reorganization of priorities. It requires staying true to personal values and integrity despite shortcomings.

Part of healthy striving compels you to accept the reality of who you are. Perfectionism is embedded in an unrealistic expectation of our future oriented selves. Put the future away for a moment and focus on the present. Loving yourself, just as you are today, without anticipating tomorrow is not easy to do but necessary for growth. Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am then I can change… The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.”

I encourage you to look at imperfection as a gift of knowing and valuing who you are as well as a platform for choosing change to become who you want to be. I ask that you define success as a process of being and becoming and less about achievement, tasks, and accomplishments. Could you imagine how we could open up possibilities for change if each of us practiced a growth mindset instead of a perfectionistic mindset? I imagine we would have different expectations of ourselves and others. Maybe we could even reach our greatest potential as human beings and change the world in the process.

Struggling to keep your New Years Resolutions?

The beginning of a new year can mean something different for a variety of people, but there appears to

be a strong feeling of a “new beginning” for most. This sense of a renewed or rejuvenated self can result

in a desire to accomplish goals, or resolutions, for the year. For some, the experience is positive, and

they accomplish their objectives easily. However, if anyone out there is like me and my past attempts at

New Year’s resolutions, the process can leave you feeling frustrated or hopeless at times when it doesn’t

work just as you had planned.

For this reason, I thought I would share a few tips on how to keep pushing through to meet your goals,

even if the progression isn’t exactly what you thought it would be:

1. Keep it simple and specific- Some goals, like losing weight or quitting smoking, can be daunting

because they require a lot of work and behavior change. Instead of being vague in the goal to

lose weight, it may be more effective to set a goal to lose 10 pounds in four months. This gives

you a direction to go, rather than getting overwhelmed with waiting for the scale to change

slowly.

2. Don’t beat yourself up- It’s purely fact that none of us are perfect. As much as you would like to

be able to stick to that diet every day, someone at the office is bound to bring you a favorite

treat. Sometimes you really would rather sleep in instead of going to the gym. All that stress

would decrease if you could have a cigarette. Life is a progression of ups and downs, and the

best resolution that you can have is to get back on track when you derail once or twice.

3. Share your goals- Sharing what you are working toward in 2019 with a partner, friend, or family

member may ensure that you are able to have someone to push you when you need it. Or, they

may be a good listener for when you slip up and need some encouragement to get back on

track.

The new year can be a great time of year to decide to work toward a new lifestyle, and it doesn’t have to

be stressful or overwhelming. Sometimes it isn’t the fact that you have a large change that is making a

difference, but rather that you are recognizing that you are pushing yourself to be better. Keep those

resolutions going!

What is Love?

It sounds like a strange question. However, through my experience in the therapy room, I noticed that most people have a hard time defining what “Love” means. We all want it. We are not the same without it. Marriages fail, families grow apart, and frankly people are just down right unhappy with out “Love.” In fact, research from many sources including Bowlby would suggest love is more than a want, it is one of our fundamental needs as human beings.

So why is it important to be able to define “Love”?

Simply put, we are better able to get and share “Love” when we can define it. Our skill in developing “Love” will increase as we better understand this elusive term.

• How do you define “Love”?

I have found there are many ways to define “Love”. However, none of the ways to define “Love” totally capture the entirety of what “Love” is. And yet, I have found that the more one explores and seeks to understand “Love” the better they are at getting and sharing “Love.”

One way to define “Love”

One way to define “Love” that I have picked up along the way is Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, or as I like to call it, the Love Triangle.

Love is made up of three separate parts: Passion, Commitment, and Intimacy.

• Passion is a strong feeling of arousal or emotional stimulus.

Example: One-night stand

• Commitment is a conscious decision to stay together.

Example: The classic “old couple” on TV that fights all the time and they really don’t like each other much but stay together out of commitment.

• Intimacy is the feelings of closeness and attachment that come because of what we share with one another.

Example: Best friends.

The goal is to have a healthy combination of all three, or Consummate Love. The people that can achieve consummate love, have strong feelings of arousal (sexual, emotional, or otherwise), are good friends with one another, and have a strong commitment to the relationship.

Applies to all Relationships

This can be applied to both couples and families. For example, I am passionate about my daughter, and having her around provokes strong emotion in me. I share my time and resources with her and feel close because of it. Also, I am strongly committed to provide and take care of her. These are all part of having a consummate love.

No one is perfect. We can all struggle with developing and maintaining a healthy loving relationship. But by being able to define love as with the Love Triangle, we are better able to steer ourselves back on track.

Back to School Tips

Can you believe we are already rounding out August and planning for September? It is amazing how fast time goes when you are having fun! I know some of you are getting school supplies, shopping for school clothes, and trying to wrap up the last of the summer adventures. To help keep you functioning, I thought it would be helpful to pass on some tips to for navigating the transition back to school.

1. Be patient with yourself, your kids, and the process of change. Expecting perfection sets you up for failure. Admitting to yourself and your family that imperfection is a normal part of being human teaches your kids that struggles are ok and manageable.  

2. Start setting a realistic schedule. It’s important to find the right balance between too little structure and overscheduling. Children are better equipped to deal with change when they know what to expect, but they easily get overwhelmed when they aren’t given time to relax and play. Give kids an opportunity to be part of the process. They will be better at following the family routine when they get to help plan it.

3. Offer choices instead of punishments. These choices need to be determined by developmental level. For example: Kindergarteners need breakfast. A good choice for this age group would be whether or not they want cheese on their eggs. For a teenager it would be appropriate for them to decide if they want to get up early enough for breakfast as long as they get out the door by a certain time. The natural consequences of that choice will help them learn how to manage their time better. Choices encourage empowerment. Limited choices encourage self-control.

4. Offer emotional support. Sometimes, as adults, we have the perception that children have life easy. We assume they couldn’t possibly be stressed out or worried or anxious, because their lives seem so simple to us. Validating their emotions as part of who they are will demonstrate acceptance and inspire confidence. Safe touch can also be part of validating emotions. A hug or a shoulder squeeze gives kids assurance that they are supported and loved.

5. Please take care of yourself. There is a difference between selfishness and good self-care. Selfishness is when you do things for yourself at the expense of others. Self-care is giving yourself nourishment so you can give more to those around you. You can’t give what you don’t have. Sometimes that requires that you to ask for help when you need it. Start allowing yourself to be more human and less superhero. Superhero’s are fun to watch in movies, but they aren’t real. Be kind to yourself starting today.

Your relationships with your children are so important. I hope some of these suggestions are encouraging and help your transition back to school be a little less stressful. Wishing you all the success you can create! You got this!

My child has a mental illness: What can a parent do?

I sat listening to my son try and describe his feelings of despair and anguish. While I’ve never been in his shoes or fully understand his struggles, I knew how he was feeling. I struggled with similar feelings of depression when I was his age. Unfortunately, this didn’t lessen his pain or mine as I watched his struggle.

As a mental health therapist, I know how to foster healing. I have knowledge and skills that have helped many young men, young women, adults, and children fight battles and come out successful. But no skills or good intentions will heal my son. It is a battle he has to fight, certainly not alone, but it is his battle. So, what can I do? What can any of us parents do to help our children who are struggling with mental illness?

1. Build strong connections. Relationships are so important to children and adults, for that matter. Too much isolation fosters depression. Play is one of the best ways to build good relationships. this. It isn’t easy to encourage a depressed or anxious child to have fun with you but providing the opportunities to bond together with play is good medicine.

2. Listen! Sometimes we, as parents, want to jump in and fix everything. However, a lot of these kids just want to know they are important enough for an adult to hear them. You can show you are listening through your body language. Are you looking at them. Is your body open and approachable? Change your body language and see what happens. You can show you are listening by what you say. Using positive and encouraging words rather than critical and hostile language fosters communication; so, does open-ended questions (questions that don’t have a yes or no answer). The idea is to help your child feel accepted.

3. Establish an environment that is shame free. Brene Brown said, “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”  Shame is negative and degrading. It never works in our favor or those around us. Your child is suffering from a complex condition with many contributing factors. Certainly, this does not mean you don’t have rules and expectations. It means you don’t indignify your child because he doesn’t meet societies standards of perfection.

4. Get professional help. Whether you see a counselor for you or for your child the skills you learn will be invaluable. A good mental health professional will help your family as part of a team effort.

5. Take care of yourself. This cannot be overstated enough. If you don’t practice good self-care you will not be able to give your whole self to your struggling child. As you practice good self-care you will also model self-love to your child. Some ways to do this are to take breaks when needed, exercise and eat healthy, short meditations, and grounding activities.

6. Be Informed. Being your child’s best advocate needs to include appropriate information on what your child’s mental health condition is and what the best treatment for his condition is. Ask your medical provider, look up legitimate websites, and talk to people that are further down the road with more experience to help you. Some helpful webistes: https://www.thenationalcouncil.org, https://www.nami.org, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

7. Surround yourself with supportive people (ignore the critics). There are a lot of opinions about mental illness. Most of those opinionated people do not have the education or the experience to give you medical advice. However, a lot of others want to be supportive and helpful when you and your child are struggling. “Look for the helpers, “as Mr. Rogers would say. Your family needs support. There is no reason to walk this journey on your own. Support from family, friends, church members, and community helpers is available. Seek those people who have positive qualities, who will listen, and struggle with you.

I cannot promise that your family’s journey will end the way you want it to. It would be nice to have a math formula that fixes these types of situations. Sometimes the best we can do, as parents, is just to keep going. Each day will bring new complications as we fight mental illness together. There is no doubt this is a challenging time to be a parent. However, each day is one step closer to new hope and an opportunity to be courageous in spite of the difficulty.

Depression and Anxiety in Today's Youth

As a mental health clinician, mother of three teenagers, and a depression survivor I find the suicide rates in our state and country alarming. Many people are asking and looking into this teen suicide epidemic. Recently, Governor Herbert seemed to think it was important enough to form a committee/coalition to find some solutions.

When I was in my adolescent years (25 years ago), suicide happened occasionally, but not to the extent we are seeing now. What’s different? In reflecting on my clinical experiences and personal experiences, I’ve come up with a few ideas.

1. We need to build connection-

Connection with people- Brene Brown stated, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

When I was struggling with depression as an adolescent, I had a few excellent neighbors who let me into their homes when life felt confusing. They didn’t try to fix me. They just accepted me. I had a cousin that did the same. He and his wife would listen to my concerns. I don’t remember anything they said, but I knew their home was a safe haven for me. Today’s kids need neighborhoods, friends, and family who welcome them with open arms and provide safe havens.

Connection to spirituality. Spirituality does not necessarily mean the same thing as religion. Spirituality can be anything that connects oneself to something outside themselves (animals, nature, the cosmos etc.). I was deeply tied to God in my adolescence, but it was more than that. It was the knowledge that there was more to life than me. I understood that I was part of a bigger whole. I don’t think I really appreciated what that meant when I was younger. But looking back on my life I realize that my love of God connected me to things outside myself. Deepak Chopra stated “There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”  The adolescent population today needs to be connected to spiritual things.

2. Systems Theory

Systems theory was the foundation for my training as a marriage and family therapist. Think in terms of a car engine or bicycle. All the parts work together to give the machine life. It’s the same in families. 1 + 1 does not equal 2. It is fundamentally more than that. The family is its own entity. Everybody has a role. Everybody has a part. When looking at dysfunction family therapists look at the entire family. It is not unusual for parents to bring their children to me expecting me to “fix” them. Most often the child is the one exhibiting symptoms of a family problem. Generally, it’s the family system that needs the fixing. It’s the same with our society and culture here in Utah.

Adolescents are the symptom bearers of our culture as a whole. Fix the system and the symptoms go away. Therein lies a much bigger problem than any committee can fix. But we can do little things in our homes that can change the larger system. First, we can start encouraging creative problem-solving. Our culture is very stuck in black and white thinking. For example, think of the immigrant issues we are dealing with. Some people want amnesty. Some want deportation. Both options are at either end of a spectrum. Why only two options? In between are a lot of other possibilities that nobody is talking about. The same goes for suicidal ideation. People contemplating suicide are thinking in terms of absolutes even when there are countless other options. Stay creative at home and the grains of solving problems in constructive ways will be sown.

Second, encourage feelings. We are living in an age that discourages feelings. We just aren’t taught how to use feelings to our advantage. Feelings are the flags that tell us something is going on that we need to pay attention to. We need to practice feeling. All feelings are good – angry, sad, happy, embarrassed, excited, etc. Learning to be comfortable with feelings is rarely accepted in our culture. It’s considered weak. In truth, recognizing your feelings can be a powerful tool in making deliberate choices. It’s what we choose to do with the feelings that change outcomes.

When all is said and done I think the teen years can be pretty exciting. There are new things to learn, new relationships built, and new ideas to be created. One death to suicide is one death too many. Taking little steps in your own life and in your own families will help to change the tide. Like a ripple effect, our small course changes can start to change this epidemic of suicide.

Valentines-Love it or hate it?

I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve hated it for years. I get anxiety at this time every year because I feel like I don’t measure up, or I get let down. After thinking about it I’ve come up with two major issues I have with Valentine’s Day.

1. My marriage doesn’t look like those others. Do you remember when the Twilight books were a big deal? I was mad at my husband for two months, because he wasn’t Edward (the most romantic and beautiful man in the entire world according to Stephanie Meyer). It took me awhile to calm down about it all. It’s the same for every romantic movie. I like them, but I’m learning to look for ways my relationship is working instead of what others think it should be.

There is a really cute book called Fanny’s Dream, by Carolyn Buehner. It’s a children’s book about a woman who waits a long time for her fairy godmother to give her the man of her dreams. While she is waiting she gets married and starts a family. Over the course of many years, her fairy godmother finally shows up and offers to rescue Fanny from her life. Fanny declines because she realizes her husband has become the man of her dreams. You can watch the story on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbgMuE469cM

If you can relate, then here are some tips to help you learn to appreciate and fall in love with your significant other every day in your own way:

-Keep a gratitude journal of daily events that your spouse/partner does that you love or appreciate.

-Learn your partner’s love language. What is it that helps them feel loved? (http://www.5lovelanguages.com).

-Think of quality over quantity. How do you and your main love build connection together? I like walks at the end of the day with my husband. It’s not a trip to Paris that I can brag about to all my friends (although we have done that too). It’s about sharing something between us on a regular basis that brings us together. It’s a chance to talk and hold hands and learn about each other.

2. People can’t read my mind. I get frustrated when people I love don’t do things for me that I think they should know to do – like buying me flowers on Valentine’s Day.  In the movies, one person just looks at their romantic partner and all of the sudden they are in her apartment drinking wine on a bed of roses. I don’t know how they do it, but one of those people in the relationship must have superpowers. My expectations for Valentine’s Day probably aren’t realistic if I’m expecting the hubby to know my thoughts and desires. He’s good at a lot of things, but he doesn’t have mind reading superpowers, so I guess I have to tell him. Yes, I’m saying you need to ask for what you need. It makes holidays like this much less anxiety provoking.

Here is how to ask for what you need:

-Know exactly what you want. If you don’t know, spend some time thinking about what you want, and why it’s important to you.

-Don’t send mixed messages. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Think about what your body language is saying? If you are standing with your arms folded and a scowl on your face, it’s probably not going to get you very far.

-Treat your partner the way you would want to be treated. If you don’t want a demanding, critical spouse then don’t be one yourself. Kindness, compassion, and empathy are skills that are often overlooked in long-term relationships, but they make all the difference.

A good book to help you learn good ways to communicate with your romantic partner is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can also look him up on youtube for some short clips. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=John+Gottman

I think I’m going to try something new this Valentine’s Day – I’m going to try and enjoy the holiday. By not putting other people’s expectations on myself and choosing in advance how I want to share my special day with my loved ones, I might enjoy it more and regret it less.

Stages of Change

Stages of Change:

Seeking help through therapy may be a hard thing to do. It is important to remember that when dealing with a behavior in life that you may need to change, everyone goes through stages of change. They might go through them quickly or it might take longer for some people. Some people regress and that is OK too. Keep in mind that every person is different and that we all move through the stages of change at our own pace.

Precontemplation:

The first stage is precontemplation, the individual thinks that there is not a problem and that their behaviors are not an issue, because of this, this is the stage where the individual doesn’t want help. The individual is usually not aware that there is a problem or a need for change, individuals only seek help in this stage if someone else encourages it or pressures them.

Contemplation:

The second stage contemplation is where the individual is more aware of their behaviors and the consequences they might face. The individual is considering change and is open to getting help but do not see a solution to the problem. This might be the stage that the individual is at when they decide to seek help through therapy.

Preparation:

Preparation is the third stage. This is where the individual is making plans to take action to change. They might be researching different ideas of what they can do to help themselves.

Action:

The fourth stage is the action stage. This is where the individual believes that they can change and they are actively working towards making that change. This can be the shortest stage and it also requires the most commitment of the individuals time and effort to change.

Maintenance:

The last state is the maintenance stage. This is where you’re maintaining the behavior change. This is where the individual needs to be able to avoid temptations and not return to their previous behaviors. This is also the stage where an individual will need to be committed to maintaining the change to prevent relapse.

Again, remember that is normal to regress and that this can be a normal part of behavior change.

Mental Health and the Holidays

Every time I hear the word “tradition” I’m taken back to a song with the same title from Fiddler on the Roof. Tevye, his family members, and the town folk all recite their roles in the song. It is insinuated that each role keeps the balance in the system, or the status quo. Traditions are a big influence on the way families function. Ask any elementary school child what traditions they have, and they will most likely reply with all the fun experiences of their family Christmas and Thanksgiving celebrations. Each of these traditions is full of rituals, routines, and procedures. I wonder if we, especially during the holiday season, consider how traditions affect our mental health. Everyone knows that the holidays can be stressful and full of triggers that can reveal even the most disciplined hulk-like parts of our personalities. I want to explore, with you, the power of traditions and how we can utilize the best parts and discard the worst, so our mental health is strengthened instead of weakened.

The Good

One of my favorite articles ever written on traditions is found on a website called The Art of Manliness (http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/10/09/creating-a-positive-family-culture-the-importance-of-establishing-family-traditions/ ). The article addresses how traditions establish a positive family culture:

1. Traditions provide a source of family continuity and identity.

2. They strengthen family bonds.

3. Create comfort and security.

4. Teach values

5. Add rhythm and seasonality of life.

6. Pass on cultural and religious heritage.

7. Connect generations.

8. Create Family Memories

Using family traditions as a way to connect with others can be an important tool for strengthening our mental health. Mental illness and isolation are related, according to Hara Estroff Marano. She stated, “…we are built for social contact. There are serious life-threatening consequences when we don't get enough. We can't stay on track mentally. And we are compromised physically…” ( https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200307/the-dangers-loneliness ) . Think about all the feel-good movies on TV during the holidays. They are generally about a family or individual who overcomes isolation and finds connection. Connecting means interacting on many levels by sharing interests, listening, talking, working, laughing or playing together. It is saying “I see you” and “you are important to me.”  

The Bad

Sometimes family rituals can be used as a means of control or coercion. There can be lot of shame attached to our expectations of what we think our families “should” be doing. Despite what other families do or what great-great-grandmother did, you get to make deliberate choices about yourself and your own family. Putting boxes and walls around traditions kills creativity. And killing creativity takes the fun out of family traditions. If you want that positive experience with your family this year, pick out what you want to keep and let the rest go. You do have the power to decide for yourself how you want to create your traditions.

Another way to build a positive family culture is to change the language used. State what you want and why you want it. Use an “I” statement if you need to. Here is an example, “I really want our family to spend Christmas Eve together at the cabin, because it makes me happy. When you tell me you’d rather work I feel hurt, because your presence is important to me.” You can only make assumptions about your own feelings and desires. Shame can be passed on through accusations and wrong assumptions. You can tell someone how you feel, but it is their right to internalize it how they want. Another way you can beat shame is to accept another’s feelings. Reflective listening (acting as a mirror to the other person’s emotions) encourages respect. Saying something like, “I can see you are angry” in a calm and curious tone can keep that shame monster away. Shame in our celebrations dampens the atmosphere and keeps us from enjoying and connecting with each other. It also builds stress and increases the likelihood of depression, anxiety, or other mental ailments.

Try It Out

If you haven’t ever seen Fiddler on the Roof put it on your list to watch. While you are watching it, see if any of the ideas presented in this article resonate with you. You can also do your own experiments while visiting with family and friends this week. Pay attention to how you feel and what comes up for you when you start recognizing shame or find connection. Make that decision to connect with others. Using family traditions as a vehicle for connection can help improve your mental health, and this is a great time of year to try it out.

Getting Your Child Back to School Ready

It’s the time of year when the stores fill with great displays of school supplies and deals on kids clothing. As parents, we check off the list of recommended school supplies, find ideas on creating quality lunches and inventory our kid’s closets to know how to send our kids back to school in style. This year, I encourage you to consider started a new tradition to address any stress or anxiety your child may be experiencing.

If you think back to your early school years, you can probably remember the stress. This stress can be similar to the stress an adult would feel if they had to change jobs. An adult in this position would have to quickly adjust to many changes. There would be a new boss, coworkers, demands, and a schedule. Similarly, going back to school means coping with many changes in short amount of time. Some of these changes are:

• A new teacher

• New social group

• New academic demands

• A new schedule

How can parents help?

Begin sleep adjustment before school starts

Start adjusting their schedule with enough time to help their body and mind adjust. Most professional recommend that this adjustment begins two weeks before the first day of school. During these two weeks, you should start having your child go to sleep at an earlier bedtime with an earlier wake-up time. Remember that every child is different. Give your child more than two weeks if you have noticed your child struggling to maintain a healthy sleep schedule, or noticed them requiring more time to adjust to the school schedule in the past.

Facilitate bonding with the teacher and new peers

Attend your child’s school orientation to allow both you and your child to meet the teacher and even a few peers in the class. Before going to the orientation come up with a list of questions with your child that they would like to be answered. This will help reduce the anxiety by eliminating some of the unknown answers.

Throughout the school year, ask about the teacher and the other kids in the class. Taking an interest in your child’s peer groups encourages social development.

Talk about feelings

As you talk about feelings with your child it normalizes the fearful transition experience and reminds them that you care. Let your child know that it normal to experience many different emotions at the same time ranging from excitement to fear.

For younger children, consider purchasing feeling flash cards. These cards make talking about feelings fun and can be purchased at a number of online retailers.

Reassurance

Reassure your child that at the end of the school day you will see each other again. Remind them that it is very normal to feel nervous and it is okay to feel scared. If they have experienced another transition in school, ask them what could have made the transition easier.

Take care of yourself

Kids pick up on the stress that parent’s experience. Make sure that you are meeting your own basic needs and caring for yourself during this stressful time. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that pausing for a couple deep breaths can help you refocus.